Thursday…Because You Shouldn’t Be Messing With Sexting
Unless you’ve been under a rock for the last 5 months with rocks stuck in your ears while you were eating rocks and…pooping rocks while uploading pictures of rocks onto your facebook page without looking at anything else on facebook or the internet in general besides rocks….you would know about Tiger Woods’ adulterous affair.
But recently his “sexts” messages have been made public. “Sexts” being the ultra-hyped term that the media use to describe what teens are doing in your high school because everyone just looooooooooooves watching that on the fucking local news.
Anyways if you haven’t seen them here a few “choice” ones for your viewing pleasure (and these are REAL):
Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
and…
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM
Where do you want to be bitten
and…
Tiger:Sent: 06:34 AM
In ohio playing
…needless to say…the man is one sick* golfer….and one sicker* fuck.
*wordplay in vernacular is fun
I know every is reading those and criticizing him and giving him a hard time. But what I think you should understand is that he texts everyone like that, not just his mistresses. Observe these other text messages I uncovered:
**************
Shelly:
I’m sorry, we’re updating our records for Reader’s Digest subscriptions. What’s your current address?
Tiger:
7
Shelly:
7….?
Tiger:
Yeah…maybe 8
Shelly:
What’s that?
Tiger:
That’s how many fingers I can fit.
Jacob:
Did you get a load of Johnson’s TPS Reports?
Tiger:
Who is this?
Jacob:
Oh Sorry…wrong number.
Tiger:
You sound hot…
Jacob:
what?
Tiger:
Hang on gotta empty sum cans. can u txt me like a shitton of times in a row as i do whipits with the phone in my pants?
Colin Montgomerie:
can i borrow some of ur balls 4 tomorrows tourny?
Tiger:
only if u massage them while yelling a chinese homily thru a megaphone directly into my ears
Colin Montgomerie:
grow up
Tiger:
hahah my last name is Woods. LOLZ
BNT Marketing:
If u can spare a few minutes would u complete a short survey?
Tiger:
Im gonna fuckin kill you…
BNT Marketing:
We get that all the time.
Tiger:
…and get off by doing it.
AT&T:
Are you satisfied with your current wireless plan?
Tiger:
Not yet. theres not one drop of tiger juice in my pants. BONE dry.
AT&T:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
Please make ur phones have stronger batteries so they don’t puss out so early when i wanna zap my nips.
AT&T:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
ah fuck it. i’m a millionaire, i can afford a fuckton of phones….i’ll have cell phones out the ass.
AT&T:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
…wait…that sounds like an idea.
AT&T:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
Do u think that the more bars you have the harder u orgasm?
AT&T:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
ur endurance is turnin me on. ima reply to u like the dirrty fucking whore u r.
AT&T:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
ah fuck it. ima go holla at bitches at the zoo…see if they wanna shave my ass
AT&T:
….sir please stop.
90999:
Text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts.
Tiger:
when u a balla like me theres no effort to gettin my relief…..relief all over ur taitties. Now shut up and put on this mask while i unlock my box of nightmares and take u from behind
Verizon:
Are you satisfied with your current wireless plan?
Tiger:
OH MY GOD HAVE I GOT A COCK FOR YOU
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
YOU’RE JUST ASKING FOR IT YOU DIRTY LIL TEXTMARKETER
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
You’re starting to sound like that AT&T fag.
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Tiger:
Maybe you two should get a room.
Tiger:
Maybe us three should get a room…
Tiger:
…and fill it with KY Jelly.
Tiger:
Could both of u bring those maps that u have in the commercials…the ones where the pins fall off.
Tiger:
only we could replace those with mouse traps and let em rain down on us as we have mad caddyshack sex?
Tiger:
Fuck that. Tiger dont ask. Tiger demands that you replace those with mouse traps and demands they rain down on us as we have mad caddyshack sex.
Tiger:
….ur awfully quiet.
Tiger:
…is that because in my mind im tea bagging ur mouth?
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
Verizon:
This is a “non-reply to” number. Please visit our website for further inquiries.
(get it…cuz this is how Verizon works)
Crazy Tonys Pizza: (actually call, phone rings)
Tiger (answers): “This is Tiger Woods, speaking”
Crazy Tonys Pizza: “Yes. Mr. Woods. I have your pizza here, could you please open the gate?”
Tiger: “Actually, could you please give me that message in a text message, young man?”
Crazy Tonys Pizza: “Umm…”
Tiger: “I just feel more comfortable that way.”
Crazy Tonys Pizza: “Sure thing. Good bye”
(hangs phone up)
Crazy Tonys Pizza:
Mr. Woods, your pizza is at the gate.
Tiger:
Is that code for wanting my sweet meat sauce u filthy fucking slut of a bitch?
Crazy Tonys Pizza:
Mr. Woods?
Tiger:
Enter if you dare or shall I enter you?
Crazy Tonys Pizza:
I’m just going to leave the pizza right here.
Tiger:
WAIT!
Crazy Tonys Pizza:
……yes, Mr. Woods?
Tiger:
………
……..
………i want you to shit in a boot and then beat me with it.
***************
That’s it for now. I apologize if that’s too dirty for you. I’m in kind of a weird place right now. I’ve been working 16+ hour days and running on a grand total of 8 hours of sleep total for this week and it’s been a while since I’ve killed a hooker, experienced physical love, taken a shower. Happy Thursday.
~Goat
sorry mom and dad.
1 year ago