Obligatory Valentine’s Day Post/Cry for Help/Hey, Baby, Get at Me, Girl

Hello, my name is Matt Loman, and I am a nerd.


Olivia, you’re breaking my heart.
 
I know; it’s shocking and quite a bit to deal with, what with me suddenly springing it on you and all, but my life isn’t all hob-knobbing* with the stars and sword fights in three piece suits across neon-lit Tokyo rooftops.  In my downtime from being a jet setting adventurer/idol of millions I consume quite a bit of media, much of it considered “geeky,” or “nerdy” or “girl repellent.”

*how do you spell this word?


What an interesting design for a gun.
 
Now, I’ve cultivated a fairly sophisticated palate in terms food, drink, foreign films, music (HA, just kidding, my mp3 player is like I’m a 14 year old with a job at Hot Topic), and all the other things you have to start caring about when you get old and lame, but in my heart of hearts I’m still a dork.   Other areas where I’m a dork include my looks, dress, and way of thinking.

This presents a problem in my social life, one magnified by Valentine’s Day; the single nerd girl is perhaps the rarest breed of femininity, ever.


I have no idea what her shirt or necklace means, but she’s wearing glasses.  Nerd. 

Now, it’s not that women are by and large turned off by sci-fi and fantasy, in fact some of the genres’ most ardent fans and greatest creators are female.  Sometimes going to conventions, book signings, or even just new comic book day (especially since moving to LA) it’s almost an embarrassment of riches in terms of the fairer sex.

There’s a metroid infestation…in my heart.
 
No, the problem is that nerd boys feel, rightfully, that they need to hang on to the nerd girls early.  Most of these women have had the same boyfriend since junior high because her boyfriend, the mouth breather dressed like Picard, but built like Mojo, realized that he needs lock that shit right up, because every other Trekkie, Padawan, Marvel Zombie, Johnny DC, Dungeon Master, Whedonite, and Fremen around him is waiting to do the exact same thing. 

I love this picture.

Essentially every guy is approaching a relationship like the Sarlacc.  Lie in wait with infinite patience, and then when a woman comes along, trap and digest her over a thousand years.


It’s a metaphor for marriage, amirite? *rimshot*

Wait…I’m telling it wrong.  Where was I?  Oh yeah:  
 
Lock that shit right up.
 
There is no frustration greater than chatting up a funny girl with amazing taste in everything and a fashion sense that veers toward Suicide Girl meets Willow only to find out that she’s been dating the same dude for like eight years.


Seriously, Internet?
 
*-*-*

There are exceptions, some ladies realize that maybe their boyfriends have no ambition outside of having the most highly detailed WarHammer 40K figurines or being the weekend manager at the local comic book shop, and they break up.


In this hypothetical guy’s defense, Space Marines do make everything better. 

What follows is a true miracle of nature; an event that can prove both unrestrained evolution or intelligent design.  In that instant the woman declares herself single, all dorkholes, nerdoids, and geekwads in the area experience a oneness as they are linked in telepathy and the information is downloaded into their brains simultaneously. 
 
At which point war is declared. 
 
If you’ve never seen a street war conducted by people wielding collectible katanas, dwarven axes, or Klingon bat’leth I highly recommend you seek one out, because it is hilarious.


He envies no man!
 
What’s interesting about this phenomena, is that it marks the only instance where a man can make a successful move from Friendville all the way to scenic Bone City.
 
It’s not guaranteed and the road between the two places is fraught with danger, heartache, and minotaurs, but this is really the only circumstance where such a transition is possible.
 
Why?
 
Well, first off, her expectations are shockingly low.  Besides the obvious reason, there’s also the fact that after spending many waking hours with Striders and Skywalkers, actual guys will always be found wanting.  Not everyone can or will be brave and fearless, or forthright in the face of adversity and temptation, so the next guy who comes along who’s slightly cleaner with the same interests and hobbies as her can basically swoop right in and lock that shit up.  Finally, she has no idea how to be single.  Just showing up, you can win. 

It’s every nerd’s fantasy, being the chosen one despite doing no work at all.


9 year old Matt and 26 year old Matt are about to have an awkward moment.

*-*-* 

I will defend all of my silly little interests and hobbies to anyone who’s really willing to listen, so shouldn’t it stand that I would go out and find a perfectly lovely young woman and you know, convert her?


The Wolverine claws are what’s really turning me on.  That’s a pretty weird thing to discover about yourself.
 
Can’t I find someone who would be riveted by the moral quandaries, political maneuverings, and human drama of Battlestar Galactica, the sheer ambition and pluck of Firefly, or understand that Bruce Timm and Paul Dini’s Batman: the Animated Series is the zenith of human culture?
 
Probably.  But I’m lazy, and it’s just too hard.  All  I really want for Valentine’s Day is a girl with a working knowledge of Hypertime and already understands that every group has a Xander. 


*SIGH*

I don’t want to have explain why I’m so good at swearing in Chinese or why we need to run drills of our zombie plan over and over again.   I’m searching for that special someone who totally gets that domino masks are sexy, why the Spice must flow, and is willing to choke me.

…wait…

I mean… already knows the proper pronunciation for “Mjolnir.”  And that it resides in my pants.  And that it is indeed Hammer Time. 

…

The hammer is my penis.*



These two are my model of a perfect relationship.

*if you know what that’s from, get at me, girl.

*-*-*

All that aside there is a true danger in looking for love in nerdier pastures: what if your interests don’t line up exactly?  Can you be a member of the Star Wars faithful if your beloved is a Trekkie?

What if she feels that Angel was better than Buffy? 

 
Batman knows exactly what the ladies want, shirt off, mask ON.

Chilling, right? 

It gets worse.  What if she geeks out over something really lame, Twilight or Harry Potter?  Then what?

I’ll tell you; you shut the fuck up, smile big, and sit through every midnight premiere, book signing, or story from fan forums because you are fucking blessed by God himself that a woman has decided to put up with a man who owns a Galactus action figure.

He doesn’t even do anything!  His heralds do all the work! 

No.  I refuse to have this argument here.

Join us next week for a serious discussion on Galactus.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Matt