Movie Lines That I Will Someday Use and Mean

We all love movies.  Everyone’s got their favorites, their guilty pleasures, and the ones they pretend to like so people will think that they’re smart and deep.
 
I’m fairly forgiving when it comes to my entertainment; as anyone who has attended one of my movie nights will tell you, I own and love a lot of garbage. 
 
A lot of this can be attributed to the fact that I subscribe to the Roger Ebert school of film criticism, ie; judge the movie on it’s own merits with regards to genre and intent.  For example, a horror movie should be judged based on what the film makers are trying to do and how it stands up next to other members of the horror genre.  You don’t compare Friday the 13th to Casablanca.

Unless you were in my sophomore year Intro to Criticism class.  This would also make you a hateful bitch.

Ahem.
 
The saving grace for a lot of these movies are great moments.  They usually have a kick-ass part that try as I might, I can’t help but love.
 
Said moments usually involve awesome lines or speeches that stick with me forever and I’ll squeeze into everyday conversation as much as possible to the chagrin of everyone around me.
 
What follows is a list of my favorite lines that I’ve yet to truly use in the manner befitting such great prose. 
 
Note the first: all that stuff at the top about bad movies?  I really mean it, but the lines and films that follow aren’t necessarily bad, I was just explaining the power of a great scene and how it can save an otherwise bad movie.
 
Note the second: sorry to the people who used to read my old LiveJournal as I’ve recycled this concept, roughly, 12 million times.*

*More like 12 BILLIONtimes, amirite?  Where my dawgz at?
 
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The Movie: Gladiator
The Scene: The fight with the last of the free Germanic Tribes.
The Line: “On my signal, unleash Hell.”
The Why:A badass line before a badass scene.  Let’s ignore the fact that the movie completely abandons the organized, unstoppable, eerie-in-it’s-machine-like-efficiency of the Roman phalanx, and focus more on the fact that that is Plan A. 
“What’s the plan?”
“Fuck shit up.”
“Awesome.”
Where I Would Use It: Probably nowhere.  Who in their right mind would give me the power and capabilities to see such an order carried out?  I simply can’t be trusted with an option like that.  My options should be limited to adding chocolate to milk or getting extra cheese on my pizza.  And even then.

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I like Gladiator way more than I like Braveheart.  Yeah, I said it.
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The Movie: Blade
The Scene: The final showdown with Deacon Snow in the spooky temple hidden under LA.  Which makes sense, A large underground facility in an area prone to earthquakes.  There’s a reason there’s never a line for the subway in Southern California.
The Line: “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate up hill.”
The Why: Blade says this before he spin kicks a syringe filled with explosion into a man’s forehead.  Let’s break this down: first you have the most sublime and badass move in martial arts, the spin kick, and you combine it with stabbing.  On top of that, the stabbing object makes vampires explode.  This is already an awesome line about the futility of going up against someone as unstoppable as your own bad self by way of physics, but to combine it with kicks and explosions?  Jesus, it’s like a perfect storm of Matt entertainment. 
Where I Would Use It: Everywhere.  Every-fuckin-where.  Unfortunately, the life I lead is not prone to obliterating fools with extreme prejudice; I’m forced to waste it on games of tuggy rope with small puppies, or as the last phrase a piece of cake hears before I eat it in two bites.

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Wow, there has been a quantum leap in fight choreography between the production of Blade and the modern era, hasn’t there?
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The Movie: Snatch
The Scene: Brick Top runs down the men who tried to rob him.  Do not try to rob Brick Top.
The Line: “Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? ‘A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent.’ Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt: me.”
The Why: To be kind, I’m fairly verbose.  To be cruel (and on point) I’m full of hot air and I like to hear the sound of my own voice.  It’s only natural that I would gravitate to such a long line.  There’s a lot of menace in the scene as two of the people in it have no idea who the mob leader is and what he’s capable of, but the audience does.  On top of that, there’s no yelling.  There’s no screaming.  He doesn’t even change the tone of his voice or cadence of his speech.  The line is delivered matter-of-factly, because Brick Top knows exactly what he’s capable of.
Where I Would Use It: Nowhere.  The accent is a huge part of it, and really only the British can so casually use the word “cunt.”  Maybe if I move somewhere no one knows me, and I just start talking like that.  Hmmmm….

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Dude, how good is Snatch?  I haven’t watched it in a while, but spending a few minutes on YouTube watching clips reminded me that I really need to get on that.
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The Movie: Predator
The Scene: A bunch of special forces guys crammed into da’ choppah.  Getting ready to break stuff to look tough.
The Line: “This stuff will make you into a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me.”
The Why: In a movie filled with great lines, this one always makes me laugh.  It’s such a perfect pairing of words, and the internal logic behind it makes it jump up a notch or fourteen on the comedy scale. 
Where I Would Use It:  Anytime.  Literally, anytime.  I use it to describe food, drink, articles of clothing, everything.  I would however like to actually mean it once, and then turn into some kind of Fuckasaurus Rex. 

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Good God, do I write about Predator a lot.  Do you think it’s a cry for help?
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The Movie: Right now.
The Scene: Me, at work, typing this blog into my gmail account to mail to myself for proofing (HA) and posting today.
The Line: “Fuckasaurus Rex.”
The Why: I usually frown on people who laugh at their own jokes, but goddamn it, how can you not love the way Fuckasaurus Rex rolls off your tongue?  There’s an excellent chance that only I find this funny.
Where I Would Use It: In every conversation I will have for the next three weeks.  Thank God I don’t work with kids anymore.



 
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Laughing at my own jokes?  Yeah, I should probably just go,
 
See you guys next Wednesday.
 
Matt

PS:

PPS - Who wants to get drunk this weekend and watch both Predators?  And I mean scary drunk.