Dear Celebs Part Don’t-Call-It-A-Comeback

Dear NBC,

Jay Leno is garbage.  He’s tired and boring.  Much of TV and film is the same way, but it makes money, so it makes a perverse kind of sense that there are 1500 fucking CSI’s and Twilight is a franchise, but Firefly died nameless and no one saw Wet Hot American Summer, but Leno’s new show is almost always in last place for ratings.

Your whole Plan B when it first started failing was “wait’ll you ignorant fucks see the ratings whenever else is showing reruns, and we’re still doing ‘fresh’ and ‘new’ material.”

Nope, still getting your dicks stomped by the NCIS episode where a Marine is murdered (spoiler alert: only Marines ever get murdered, which makes me wonder if marines are good at defending themselves at all).

So, why?  What has Jay Leno done in the past couple months that makes you think he’s good anything else besides tanking the ratings of everything around him?  People would rather not know about school closings, forest fires, murders, or the infinite number of things that could be happening locally than have to sit through a grown man reading newspaper headlines out loud.

However, thank you very much for bringing back Chuck.

Matt

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Dear Conan,

Big ups to you for going on the “Fuck You” Defensive.  Watching you come out and mock NBC for their ability to lose 200 million (projected) by airing one of the largest sporting events in the world was a joy to watch, as was reading your statement regarding how things are shaking out.

However, I feel I should warn you that moving to Fox may not be the best idea.  That gaggle of retards has managed to ruin Joss Whedon (TWICE), the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, Daredevil, the Tick, Futurama, Greg the Bunny, Titus, and is responsible for Temptation Island.

Oh, and So You Think You Can Dance.  How many people right now are famous for only dancing?

Yes they gave us Star Wars, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

Also, have you seen the Aliens vs. Predator movies?  How in the fuck do you screw that up?

Anyway, good luck, I’ll follow you anywhere.

Stay gangster.

Matt

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Dear Conan,

Hail warrior!  Writing to wussy Conan reminded me how much I love bad-ass barbarian Conan.

By Crom, your dedication to murder, theft, public drunkenness, monkey fighting, and wenching is truly an inspiration to us all.

Stay gangster, as well, and keep thy pimp hand strong,

Matt

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Dear Tiger Woods,

You fucking idiot.  Who the fuck do you think you are?

You’re rich, but who cares about that?  Oh, you’re the most recognizable athlete in the world?

Don’t get me wrong, your iron concentration and nerves of steel are incredible, and I’m terrible at golf, and will never, ever, be good, but golf is a game, not a sport, and athletes play sports, not games.

Dude, the President of the United States of America got busted, and he’s fucking scary.  He can send the Marines anywhere in the world with no one’s permission.  Army, Navy, he’s got to ask Congress if it’s okay, but the Marines, perhaps the most blood-thirsty and bat-shit of the armed forces, any armed forces, can be deployed anywhere in the world in a couple of hours.

Not to mention he’s got black-ops CIA murderers at his call, real Jason Bourne-esque hardasses who actually like to kill.

Oh, and there’s a button on his desk that will annihilate existence itself.

And people STILL fucked with him, dragged his name through the mud, and shamed him publicly.  And he only did it like, four times, and not all at once.

What did you think was going to happen?  You’re not scary; you’re world renown, and you fucked all the women not talented or hot enough to actually be known for their talent or looks.

Their best bet was to be remembered by history as jizz receptacles.

Where was the focus when picking your whores?  Where was that precision when you used the same phone for family and illicit fucking?

Dude, I get it.  Asian males are not a hot commodity amongst the fairer sex, but for fuck’s sake man, show some goddamn discretion.

Matt

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Dear the Vatican,

What’s the Church’s stance on space aliens?

I know where Catholics stand on bestiality, but what if it’s not cats, but cat people?

It’s a long story, let me back up, so I just saw Avatar, and I’m packing wood for the lead cat girl chick.

I guess it’s not that long of a story.

I just wanted to see if I was any more hellbound than usual and what the stance was on xenospecies lovin.’  Sentient, able to give consent, and more spiritual than your average human, they do however worship a giant tree that they talk to through their hair.

Which, if you think about it is, in retrospect is no crazier than some of the stuff we do.

I mean look, there’s a chance it’s true love, and just look at this girl.

Yeah, you dirty girl.  You ride that leonopteryx.  Ride that space pterodactyl, you hot blue bitch.  Now spit in my mouth.

Ahem.

I know your busy dealing with abortion, and sexting, and stuff; just get back to me whenever.

Matt

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As a general rule, I usually leave after I say “spit in my mouth” and today’s no different.

See you next week.

Matt