Things I Wanted to be Growing Up, and Why It Didn’t Work Out

Ninja

The Job: Assassination.  Art theft.  Being the shadows.  Moving quieter than the wind.
Pros: Black is very slimming.  Awesome weapons.  Being handy with throwing stars and knives will always, ALWAYS, be useful.  Anyone who messes with you gets disappeared with extreme prejudice.  You get to carry around nunchucks.  Just carry them around!
Cons: Ninjas are the quietest warriors in the world, and I’m not entirely sure I know how to shut up.  Ever.  Years of training doesn’t sync up with my complete lack of patience.  Also, there’s an excellent chance you’ll only find work as a henchman and you’ll die nameless when some white guy out fights you despite the fact they your job is fighting.
Why It Didn’t Work: Ninjas are very athletic, and around eight grade I began to experiment with not moving and having fudge for every meal.
 
Cowboy

The Job:Right wrongs, defend the innocent, bring civility and virtue to the wilderness, and general day-to-day work out on the range.  Must have an unshakable since of honor and impeachable sense of right and wrong.  Ability to romance Indian princesses and school marms is a must.
Pros: Sweet hat that you deserve to wear, and don’t have because you’re in frat.  Guns.  Lots of guns.  Always have a friend in your faithful horse.  Lots of fresh air, adventure, drinking, and poker playing.  Also no one yells at cowboys when they smoke.
Cons: You’ll get shot at.  A lot.  Bears.  Horse poop detail.  The gnawing, ever-present sense that you might be the cowboy that gets shot to inspire another cowboy to take up his guns again and avenge you, and not the hero.
Why It Didn’t Work Out: Skin too dark to be cowboy, eyes too narrow to be faithful Native America guide.  Also, where the fuck is the range?

Secret Agent

The Job: Taking care of the behind the scenes business on behalf of queen and country.  Blowing shit up.  Looking effortlessly cool no matter what.
Pros: Encouraged to drink on the job. Beautiful, exotic, women just throwing themselves at you. Lots of cool freebies like watches with lasers or belt buckles with grappling hooks in them.  But fuck the invisible cars.  Rubbish, really.
Cons: Cock-cutting lasers.  Moats filled with piranhas.  Every one of those women previously mentioned will try to kill you, or be killed to get to you.  Constant comparison to the secret agent who preceded you.
Why It Didn’t Work Out: While confident in my ability to fuck my way into a situation, I don’t think I’d be able to fuck my way out of one.  Not British.
 
Indiana Jones

The Job: fighting Nazi’s, looting burial sites, fighting natives, looting Nazi castles, whipping, literally, everything, outrunning things, staying calm under pressure, then panicking, and having everything work out anyway.
Pros:Sweet hat, awesome whip, and you can just shoot people when you get tired.  The women are both hot and feisty.  A life of adventure with the quiet dignity of being an educator.  You will possess the most devastating hay maker in the history of violence.
Cons: SNAKES!  Keeping track of that damn hat is hard.  You will have to hijack or stow away on every vehicle you ever ride in.  Every person you ever meet will desperately want to punch you in the face.  They will usually succeed. Quadrilogies.
Why It Didn’t Work Out: My dad sat me down and very carefully broke it to me that archaeologist rarely, if ever, punched Nazi’s and fought tanks.  It was mostly sitting in a hole in the ground digging more holes.  Bail.
 
Doctor

The Job: Stamping out evilness and disease.
Pros: Good money, basically recession-proof as everyone will always need medical care.  Respect from the community, a sweet title, and all kinds of crazy gadgets to play with…I mean, care for the infirmed with…
Cons: 23 years of school.  You will work 36 hours shifts and make less than a teacher for your first three years.  It’s how they figure out if you really mean it.  Blood and poop, all day, every day.  There’s a good chance vaginas will be ruined for you when you watch a tiny, hairless person pass through one covered in blood and mucus.
Why It Didn’t Work Out: 23 years of school, most of it really science intensive?  Guys, I’m almost retarded.
 
Optimus Prime

The Job:Waging a centuries long war with the most depraved, calculating mind, ever.  Leading the Autobots.  Being a giant robot.
Pros: Laser cannon.  Ability to both transform, and roll out.  Awesome voice.  You’re a giant robot.

Cons:Your mortal enemy has a gun for an arm.  Also, he turns into a gun.  Spike will never leave you the fuck alone, and you’re expected to keep Grimlock in line.  Plus, have you seen Cybertronian women?  No thanks.

Why It Didn’t Work Out: Not a giant robot.

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A harrowing look into my upbringing.  See you guys next week and remember: